I have always been one that will bust into song and a weird jig with my shopping cart in the middle of the store when the songs come on overhead. That "annoying person" that says merry christmas to every cashier at checkout. I have always wanted to spread christmas cheer even if it maybe wasn't wanted or received well. Maybe put an extra smile on someone's face or at least let them know someone notices them and cares. I've always been one to want to go "overboard" with the giving and loving and sharing. It fills me up. It makes my heart soar. It's one of the holidays that is not tainted anymore with hellishness and triggers from my past. It is the one holiday that Sam and I immediatly took and "started over" for our own family.
But this year...has been a very different kind of christmas season. In an amazing and humbling and beautiful way. It seems like I have cried a gallon of tears of thankfulness and overwhelmingness this last week and half. We have had people donate literally dozens of gifts for my brother and sister, had anonymous sums of cash given to us and restaurant, grocery and gas gift cards. I am overwhelmed with the love and care and encouragement people have been shooting our way. I sit and wonder if they know how miraculous and timely their love, help and thoughts are. I wish them to know that it isn't just the fact that they have given us these things that makes me cry and be overwhelmed, though these gifts are a tremendous help for us this year. It is that we have people that care. That are on our side. That are there for us. That believe in us. That want us to win, to keep fighting, to keep doing the good thing even when it's harder than hell. It's just knowing we aren't alone. That we have people that want us to succeed and to live. THAT is what I feel. That is what brings the tears. That we have so many people that are there to be our support team. That are there to help. Even people that we don't even know!
So in the late hours on this eve of christmas eve with spirits and excitement around here very high, 4 kids going to bed giddy and grinning and talking about the celebrations that are to start tomorrow; my heart is full and overflowing. My head is spinning with amazement of how everything have just fallen into place once more. My heart and my head at peace and calm. No worry tonight. No stress tonight. The air is thick with hope. With possibilities. The next 5 days promising to be busting with new memories, new times, new traditions, with our "new" family. I can not wait. To hear them laughing as we drive around looking at lights with the music on a little too high, and drinking hot chocolate and playing games and being too loud. I can not wait to see the grins and tears and freak outs and mess on christmas morning. I can not wait to sit back and watch and cry happy tears and laugh and just be. To eat too much food and sit around the fire pit roasting marshmallows under the lights.
My body is tired tonight from the day but my heart is fully content and alive. And for that I will be thankful for and cling tight too. Because I don't want to forget this feeling I have now. For me to lay down and feel like for just a moment in time I feel like I have the freedom to take a break. To not plan and fret and think and figure out anything...to just rest.
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