"That is crazy and doesn't make any sense!"

First day back to school from spring break I thought would be rough for these two but they were way too hyper for me on a Monday morning. On any morning for that matter. I loved that they were having such an easy time with getting back into routines while mommy was having so much trouble. 

They both still had some leftover red and blue nail polish on their fingernails going to school today from spring break fun with daddy. In our after school talks today Conner informed me that one of the girls told him that only girls can paint their fingernails because that's the law of Jesus and Connor said he told her that that was crazy and didn't make any sense and he liked it so he was going to do it. And Caiden said a boy called them girls and he told him I'm a boy and I don't care what you say. 

Let me just say the emotion and pride that welled up in my chest was explosive. I held in the tears until I could escape to "go to the bathroom" and process the array of emotions that came barreling out. In the midst of all the shit storms and personal growth we are going through to have a moment to see my 7 year olds knowing their voice and using it, I can't put in words how that feels. How is it they are doing what I didn't know how to do or learn to do until I was well into my 20's. A sign to me that they are watching us. A reminder it's okay. Everything may look and feel devastating right now, fragile, unknowing but they are okay. You're doing okay. Just keep going. Proud, proud, proud of my little men and feeling a sudden surge of power and encouraging to keep on warrioring. Because the freedom for them to break boxes, explore, know their voice, love themselves, and not be dictated physically or mentally by what others say to them or about them is all my heart yearns and wants to lead an example of for them.

Just for a few fleeting days...

Last week being spring break we started the weekend out with some family coming down to pick up Jared for a visit, which was a whole other processing stinging experience in and of itself, and when last Monday hit the boys and I completely shut off the world at home. I have had zero ability to cope and tolerate people and being in this town the last two months. My therapist says it’s because I am extra raw and vulnerable. The level of being able to put on the blinders and have tunnel vision to survive has gone tremendously down since court in February. I am triggered more than ever and have a barely there short fuse for things I see as wrong doings towards others or myself which is literally every time I go out here.

And I was soaking in it just being us 4, it just being the boys and I. I needed this. We played games and snuck out for sonic happy hour and hurried back home again with their favorite songs blaring on repeat for nap times and cuddles in pjs and underwear and more games and late nights and late mornings them coming in and snuggling into bed to sleep in with Mom. We mowed the yard and had picnics on the porch and talked about girls and what nudity means and nude beaches, and life, and good dreams and nightmares and found out Conner wants to live in China and Caiden wants to take a vacation to New York City. And we talked about religions and connections and spirituality and morals and good and evil and why there were bad people in the world and spiders.

I forgot about life, about people here, about my mess of a family, about the people that don’t understand or don’t care that support my abuser, about the pain, about all the crap Sam and I have to work through as individuals and in our relationship as we work through our seperation. I forgot…just for a few fleeting moments; hours; days.

And then with a trip to OKC, and upon bringing Jared back home and upon entering back into the routine of life we have here this week it has all hit with a vengeance once more. I want to stay hiding but I can’t. My bed begs for me to wrap me back up in comfort and ignore the undeniables for temporary fleeting time. My soul is tired and no matter how much sleep I get this week my body just keeps screaming for more. And I believe at this point it's merely responding to the weariness of a different kind of tired entirely. When it feels like it takes a weeks worth of my willpower to be there emotionally and mentally for the kids to get therm breakfast and off to school. To make myself go on a run because it’s the one healthy coping skill I have I can use. When I have to use that weeks worth of will power to force myself to eat something. To stay away from the bedroom so I don’t crash into bed again. To write emails to clients and be excited about what deep down I am really passionate about but depression has for the time stolen away from me. And when I finally crash at night I wonder what I am going to do in the morning because I used up my already low tank into the negative over simple daily tasks and things that should be life giving.

Why do I share these things? Share my darkness? Because I know it’s okay not to be okay now. I know that while I’m afraid of the darkness I am not afraid to go into and even though I want to shut the world off most times I don’t want to really shut off connections I could have with others. “The middle is messy and dark but you have to go right through it. There is no other way to live. You must die a thousand deaths to live.” - Brene Brown

Because I am not wearing a mask and pretending life is amazing when it is not. Because I am not playing the games anymore I was raised in and raised to play. I know being vulnerable can bring misunderstanding and hatred from some. But I also know and have experienced vulnerability and human nakedness breeds connection and truth and unbreakable bonds with other raw and real souls that do understand and love.

“I am not less afraid of the dark. I just know that if you are willing to go in there is beauty in it. I’m afraid of vulnerability and being emotionally exposed. But I have been in there before and I know the beauty of it. And I know the choice is going in or standing on the outside of the dark my while life and hustling and pretending for my worthiness. And standing on the outside…that I am not willing to do now.” Brene Brown

February Ipsy Review

This year I started a couple of monthly subscriptions for the fun of getting packages and surprises to myself dropped off at my doorstep every month. I mean who doesn't love a surprise and "good" mail for a change. It's only two months in and I'm already hooked. One package I received sat begging to be opened on my desk for two days because I wanted to make sure I had the time to dig through and enjoy it when I did open it. 

My coffee shop owner friend told me about Ipsy and when I finally went to look into it I got curious and exciting about the $10.00 a month subscription and decided to try it out. I love the fact they find out your style and what you like and then customize what they send to you accordingly instead of everyone getting the same things every month. The lipgloss was the only thing I did not like in this month's package. Just because it's lipgloss...and I despise lipgloss. So that little beauty is going in my lil' gifts-and-surprise-mail-for-others box.

Otherwise I'm impressed. Good brands. Good sizes. And it's a fun treat to have mailed to yourself. 

You guys should totally go give it a try! - Ipsy.com

Raising a Glass to 2015

Cheers to the struggles, the joys, the growth, the ups and the downs and the in-betweens of this last year. To all we accomplished as individuals, as a couple, as a family. To all the growth and all the healing and all the learning. To the times we almost gave up and to the other times we thrived. To the dreams we have dreamed and are still dreaming. To the goals we reached and are still reaching. To the fight, to the conquering. To the life we were given and lived and fight to thrive in. To change and more change and continued change. And to a whole other year to come full of more of it all. To a whole other year of uncertainty but yet certain change and growth. 

It's been years since I have stopped "believing" personally in all of this "new year = new you" making new year resolutions and goals...thing. If we want change we should, we can, make change any day of the year. If we want a clean slate, a fresh start, more than the ruts one can find themselves living in why would you wait for the end of a year and a new year to start. 

For me: new year = new adventures. A new chapter, yes. But the last thing I want is to only make goals and dream dreams and strive for more and seek out change just one time out of a year. I've glimpsed and tasted what living life alive is like enough to never want to just live just to breath now. More than to try for something once and it not last and then wait until the end of the year to try for something else again... 

"For what it's worth: it's never to late to be whoever you want to be. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again." 

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

"I want to grow with you, to see how much we can thrive together. 

I want to help you fight for your dreams, and see them come to life. 

I want to be there for you, when it all seems too much, I want to be the voice that reminds you of hope. 

I want to make you smile and laugh, to experience joy every day. 

I want to be real with you, to open myself and lay down my armor. 

I want quiet nights, filled with sweet nothings. 

I want days filled with you, and I want to continue seeing you, in your weakest or in your strongest, I want to be there with you." 

- T.B. LaBerge   

Natalie's 17th Birthday Party!

You are not a victim, you are in charge of your own destiny. You are a princess but you are also your own savior. Your own warrior. Only you can save you. And only you decide which path you choose to take in the fight of saving yourself. In loving yourself through whatever path you are on in life. So keep strong even when you need to lie down and rest. Because you, my beauty, are courageous and kind and your heart is big and beautiful and I believe in you. I believe you can shatter glass ceilings.

"Beauty, true beauty, is the opposite of perfection..."

"Perhaps the greatest risk any of us will ever take: to be seen as we really are."

Natalie's 17th Birthday Surprise Trip!

She had no idea what was in store for her! Weeks before her birthday we planned her birthday weekend, a night out with me and getting her ear pierced, a party with sisters and sleepover, a day hanging with her best friend...and she got off work for all those days having no clue that none of those plans were actually going to happen. She stated she didn’t want to do really do anything for her birthday she just wanted "to be with her peeps”, though better than last year she still struggles with seeing the point of a birthday celebration for herself. A mixture of not loving herself and not feeling worthy of celebration, not wanting anyone to put extra cost and attention on her and never having had birthdays free of trauma and negatively impacting memories growing up, leaves ugly bruises and marks on the soul. So behind the scenes of all the poker faces of hiding a birthday surprise she would never forget us sisters were cooking up a trip! Something we have never gotten to do and something we knew would mean more to Natalie than anything else we could possibly think up or do for her.

The week of her birthday was the hardest for me to hold in the secrets and keep playing “the part”. After school I pulled her suitcase into her room and informed her of a change of plans that Katie and Lindsey were coming down early in the morning, she needed to pack a bag because we were going on a road trip together for her birthday, were going to be gone a couple of days but that was all she could know. She took it as a joke, then she took it with much confusion, then she took it panicky and her anxiety kicked in. The whole time I was helping her pack she were from serious faces to giggles to frowning faces back to smiles again. Somehow we pulled off the surprise. To be honest still quite unsure how we did that exactly.

The next morning before the sun came up I woke her up to get ready to leave and then sisters arrived in a crazy bundle of excitement and energy and wide-awakeness. Natalie still in a state of confusion and wasn’t showing a whole lot of emotion. She was annoyed we wouldn’t give her any hints or clues yet. She was full of energy and hiding well her anxiety of not being able to prepare for what we were doing and not having any control.

Once we crossed into Texas she was even more confused. She had been trying to think of places in Oklahoma we would be going too for a couple of days. Oh honey….no, no, NO! It wasn’t until we got close to the airport and we started telling her to keep her eyes open she starting piecing together the airport and then when I actually started to pull in she believed it and the freak outs, squeals, heavy breathing and exclamations of "where in the heck ARE WE GOING!!!" started. Once I got us to the parking to leave my vehicle we told her she had to open her first birthday gift to find out where we were going! And then…

Disney, beach, California paradise...here we come! With a soon-to-be-17-year-old and all her excitement, thrills, panic, anxiety…more excitement, triggers, and all the many firsts she had in store to experience! 

"Travel isn't always 'pretty'. It isn't always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even can break your heart. But that's okay. The journey changes you - it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your conscience, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you...Hopefully, you leave something good behind." -Anthony Bourdain

First plane ride FREAK OUTS! we were the craziest group on the plane and owned it! The flight attendant even announced it was the "girl in the tierra and birthday sash's birthday" to the who plane and Natalie says she will never again look at an airplane in the sky the same! 

"Tired of trying to cram her sparkly star-shaped self into society's beige square shaped holes, she chose to embrace her ridiculous awesomeness and shine like the supernova she was meant to be."





"You are at peace because you know it's okay to be afraid." - Mulan


"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows my sorrow." - Zazu



"The things that make me different are the things that make me." - Winnie the Pooh


"To laugh at yourself is to love yourself." - Mickey Mouse

"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." - Piglet











"And suddenly you know, it's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings."

Ahhh, to sunshine, to tipped over kayaks, to rocky shorelines and crashing waves. To sand and bare feet walking and laughter and sunburns. To the salty water taste and convertible tops down and palm trees overhead. To walking beautiful lined sidewalks eating ice cream cones, to music blaring and bad singing and car dance offs. To late nights, and tired eyes, and happy hearts and dealing with triggers and trauma. To hooking arms and walking together, to hugs, to fights and to make ups. To trying, to being, to living, to breathing, to fighting. These are the memories that will sweep away the soiled souls for new beginnings. 

"Along your pathway of life you will observe you are not the only traveler. There are others who need your help. There are feet to steady, hands to grasp, minds to encourage, hearts to inspire and souls to save." - Thomas S. Monson














"Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again." C.S. Lewis



"Who says we have to grow up?" - Walt Disney



"Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age and dreams are forever." - Walt Disney




"You're weird but I like you." - Dot





"Where there is kindness there is goodness, and where there is goodness there is magic." - Cinderella



























"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." - Winnie the Pooh