First go watch: The Importance of Doing What You Love, Elle Luna
A friend sent me this video she said she shared it with me about a year ago and I don’t remember watching it which makes me realize I wasn’t ready for it back when she sent it then. But when she resent it today and said you guys are part of my redwood forest and I sat and watched this video twice within the time span of a couple of hours, I was very ready for it this time. It couldn’t be more perfect timing. It's all about the fight lately with the shoulds and the must and I needed some practical ways to write it all down, process through and move forward without letting the fear, the shoulds, dictate what I know I need and want in the musts.It is all so relevant right now with myself and with Sam and I and our future.
But then when she gets to the little part where she talks about people asking the "well now what” and she said, “Call your mom. Or someone who knew you as a kid. So often our must is rooted in our childhood. It’s something we did very freely. We gave it away to everyone. We were putting on plays and running around in doodle bug farms and giving performances on pogo sticks. None of this was motivated by anyone but you. And if you go back to that place we will find clues and traces that will remind us what is seeded closest to our must."
And the faucet of my emotions turned on. The getting in touch with the child again...
This is currently what I am working on with my therapist. Last week we started dealing with the black holes of time in my memory where I don’t even remember years of my life. Working through the memories I do have and processing what was going on and what in those times I was feeling and why. It’s incredibly difficult and painful and the things that I have started to remember have terrified me of what else I will remember my brain has coped away that I am going to have to deal with. Until I process through and heal through my first connections, relationships, experiences, how I learned what I did and morphed from those things into who I became, I will not move forward and heal and grow in those things.
And now I have yet another reason for me to heal my childhood. I struggle with seeing the path in front of me. I struggle to see the direction and clarity in life, what I want, what I aspire to make of this life, because that little girl is not free. My must is blurry and begging and confused. That little girl has grown up in the confines and lies that she had to conform and change and she did that very well. The good inside this crazy vibrant amazing little girl that I know WAS there; I have to find her. I have to nurture her. I have to tell her she is good. I have to know her. I have to take the lies out of her head that were planted there and tell her no actually THIS is the truth….Who you are IS beautiful. It IS wonderful. You are a fabulous being. You are good. Your heart is not evil. Your strength is amazing. You are enough. Be you little girl. Be YOU! And I have to morph back into the little girl I was supposed to be and know that that was enough. If the little girl doesn’t heal the woman will never be all she was meant to be.