No matter how much sleep I get this week my body just keeps screaming for more. And I believe at this point it's merely responding to the weariness of a different kind of tired entirely. When it feels like it takes a weeks worth of willpower to be there emotionally and mentally for your kids to get them breakfast and off to school. To make yourself go on a run because it's the one healthy coping skill you have you can use. When you have to use that weeks worth of will power to force yourself to eat something. To stay away from the bedroom so you don't crash into bed again. To write emails to clients and to be excited about what deep down you are really passionate about but depression has for the time being stolen away from you. And when you can finally crash at night you wonder what you are going to do in the morning because you used up your already low tank into the negative over simple daily tasks and things that should be life giving. Why do I share these things? Share my darkness? Because I know it's okay not to be okay now. I know despite what I'm told or feel I am not alone. I know that while I'm afraid of the darkness I am not afraid to go into it and I know I will one day walk out the other side and be better from it. Because I am not wearing a mask and pretending life is amazing when it is not. Because I am not playing the games anymore I raised in and raised to play. Because I know vulnerability and human nakedness breeds connection and truth and unbreakable bonds with other raw and real souls.
"The middle is messy and dark but you have to go right through it. There is no other way to live. You must die a thousand deaths to live. I’m not afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of vulnerability. Of uncertainty of being emotionally exposed. I just know that if you are willing to go in there is beauty in it. And I know there are two choices. I can go in or I can stand on the outside of the dark my whole life and hustle and pretend for my worthiness. And standing on the outside in the dark I am not willing to do anymore." - Brene Brown