And I sat and I listening to the deafening silence my ears ringing from it and I just sat. And stared. And sat.
It’s Christmas week. Tomorrow is the last day of school for christmas break. This scares me. I have 9 teacher gifts to make, lists of items to buy for the boys school christmas party, lunch meetings and meetings with some of our case workers halfway to the city. There are christmas goodies begging to be made, wide eyed little boys excited about things I am scrambling to keep going for them. I have sacks of supplies sitting on my floor still waiting to be made into christmas gifts before the weekend. There are hours and hours and HOURS of car drives to take kids to therapy and to meet up with our foster case workers for the kids. And more hours of cars rides to family christmas get togethers. I have scheduled photo shoots (why the heck did I do that to myself I don’t know) and editing to get done for clients. I have boxes stacked high in my office begging me to get my space organized for the sake of my own sanity. The fridge is getting dry of groceries again and the cat puke from earlier is still half cleaned up on my carpet. I hadn’t eaten a solid meal in almost 24 hours and half my house needs cleaning while the other half smells like the trash needs taken out, burnt rubber and stinky feet. (Haven't figured out why the burnt rubber smell yet either.) The gloom of the rainy cloudy week still storming overhead looked like a dark frown staring at me and then the tears just came.
I had one of those moments of what am I doing and why am I doing it again. Where the reminder that I am human just glared me in face. I had one of those moments where I wanted to just take off in my car driving with a suitcase and my camera. Where it felt too hard, too overwhelming. My emotions were shot once again from the particular events of the morning after a phone call I received and trying to talk through the events with the 16 year old in the house. My mental state was in the state of I couldn’t think because my brain was thinking TOO much. It felt like a time bomb was ticking in my head and I needed to diffuse it before it went off.
So I sat in my car and let the tears come and the ache in my chest ache. And I excepted that I was worn out. I excepted that this wasn't working.
And then I pulled out my phone and started writing down all the things I had to do, all the things I wanted to do and the the things I thought I was supposed to do for the next 7 days. And the stupid long list just glared at me. And I went though each one and wrote down the pros and cons to each. And the ones with more cons I wrote down on another list. Am I am going to go through that list and eliminate as many as are possible. Because today is a great reminder of one thing. Putting everyone else’s care before your own. That eventaully leads to one thing in the end. Death.
With Christmas 7 days away and me refusing to loose my crazy christmas spirit I am going to start on this list that is a little shorter now. Still might be tears running down my face the rest of the day, and still might be completely exhausted but I am going to eat a good meal, take a jog, come back and TRY. Let myself be human. Love myself. And try. Because no matter how much I want to run and hide, deep down I really never could. I would come back again soon. Because I have learned that this is where I am my best. Not just my worst. Because I know this is where I am meant to do my best work FOR NOW. And as many times as I need to cry and adjust, ache, fail and cry some more. I will do so and then try again. “I don’t know how my story will end, but nowhere in the text when the books series is done will it ever read…”she gave up”.
“What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst, for I will do mine!” — Count of Monte Cristo