The therapist reminded me yesterday of something I already knew but had let my mindset take over and slip me into a bad place instead. No one can put me in a awful place, in a negative mindset, in a box but myself. People can reject me, make me feel alone, say and do hurtful things but my mind is the one that chooses what to do with it. The thoughts and actions are implanted by others but I can either heal those wounds or cut them deeper. If someone walks away from me I can either cut myself down more, let the negative thoughts and reasonings as to why they would do that or I can reject the notion that because someone walks away from me I am not good enough, I did something wrong or I am a failure. If someone questions my authentic actions, words or love, I can let those thoughts and lies creep in I have been told that they are telling me I am "dramatic" or that I am a "manipulative selfish bitch" or I can take it as a sign I am on the right path to loving myself, being confident with my words and truth, and that I am on the right path to being vulnerable and letting my walls down. I am in charge of my own psychological health and well being. Just as equally as I am in charge of brushing my teeth, feeding my body and bathing.
I had been hurting all week the games and manipulation that had been played around me again, the place I felt I was being viewed in again. Being put in a fighting ring with someone again I wanted to stay distanced from without my consent. Being the bad one again, the scape goat like I used to always be in my family. Feeling the pain of people I truly wanted so badly to be there not being able to empathize or understanding. Feeling alone again. And alone is a dangerous place for me to go. Loneliness creates fear in me, a psychological wound in my mind that makes me less perceptive to truth and to my own power and instead feel like the people right beside me care less about me than they actually do. And I see the proof in that in this last week shit hit the fan with Sam and I. I have felt like he hasn’t understood me, hasn’t wanted to care or empathize, everything he has done or said has been a knife in my heart. There were misunderstandings flying left and right between us. We both were dealing with our own individual emmotional and mental pain and hurt and we were not dealing with that and letting that even more so greatly affect the connection between us as a couple. Words were flying and stabbing like knives into hearts. Yesterday we both felt physically sick. My mental health was affecting my physical health. I felt nauseous and achy. I felt physically exhausted like I had just ran for 5 hours straight. It took every ounce of my being to get up, get the kids taken care of and off to school, get dressed and get out of the house for my busy day. Sam had to call in to work and take a day because he was feeling the same way. You can not tell me that our psychological health should not be equal with our physical health. A huge misconception. A flat out lie to ourselves and others.
So today. Steps.
"Get out of bed. Don't lie there and think - thinking is the kiss of death for us in these moments - just move. Take a shower. Sing while you are in there. Make yourself sing. Sing stupid and laugh at yourself. Joy for its own sake - joy just for you, created by you - it's the best. Find yourself amusing. Put on some makeup and fix your hair. Wear something that makes you feel good, for yourself not for anyone else and if you don't have something like that go buy yourself something that will make you feel that way. Show yourself you love yourself no matter how hard that is. Get yourself a hood cup or coffee or tea and read a book without thinking about other things while you are reading. Get out of the house, if you have nowhere to go take a walk or sit at a coffee shop. Do not excuse yourself from a walk because it's too cold. Bundle up. The big endless sky and oxygen will help."
- excerpt from Carry On Warrior
And here is a Ted Talk from my morning that could be the best video you could watch all week:
The Importance of Self-Care
"Why is it our physical health is so much more important to us than our psychological health. We sustain more psychological injuries than we do physical ones. Things like failure, or rejection or loneliness. If ignored they will get worse and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways. "Oh your feeling depressed just shake it off it's all in your head." Can you imagine saying that to someone with a broken leg. "Oh just walk it off it's all in your leg." It is time we close the gap in our physical and physiological health. It's time to make them more equal."