And then I come home from school and there was a bomb waiting for me to arrive and drop on my head. After the bomb dropped and a couple hours went by I felt proud. I had handled it somewhat calmly and cooly and was not wallowed in fear and panic and worry in my room biting my nails and looking for ways to busy myself to cope away reality. I stayed somewhat focused on continuing life through the rest of the evening and still be a mom for the kids and not let another unknown circumstance control my emotions and peace. It felt good. I felt proud. Then after the boys went to bed and the house had calmed down and I was starting to think about crawling in my bed, letting the comfort swallow me up and passing out for the next 9 hours we had another bomb drop and this one hurt more. My heart physically ached at this one. I felt frustrated and sad. Frustrated that every time I feel like I’m getting in a good place again immediately that is tested. No pause. No recovery. Immediately tested. Sad because I felt my hope being tested and this bomb poked at my loneliness I fight and the desperation I have to get out of Duncan. I immediately was fighting thoughts of feeling defeated. Feelings like I was sitting in a glass box watching someones life spin around me while they laughed and mocked me sitting like a shattered spectacle inside. And I felt tired again. Tired and sad. I couldn’t be angry, I couldn’t talk through anything, my brain kind of shut down. So I told myself gently, “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. But tomorrow is a new day; you can try and begin in well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with then current shitty nonsense.” I crawled in between my sheets and giant fluffy blankets encapsulating me with warmth and hugs, plugged one ear with an earbud and zoned out to the noise and movement of a show on netflix, fighting the want to shut the whole world and everyone in it out, telling myself; It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. You are not alone. Change will continue to come and in all this shit there will be good change too. Just hang on for this crazy life ride. Circumstances will not steal your hope, Leslie. You will not let it. Look at the beauty beside you, the people next to you right now.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will keep fighting for, loving, nurturing myself. Tomorrow I will try again. I will keep trying.