This journey has gone on for what feels like so very long. And every time I have gotten to a place where I have been ready to walk through a door and close it behind me it feels as though I have gotten drug back into the room again with my siblings coming to live with us, then court hearings to being a witness in their trials; I am so ready for this to be done and us to able to move forward into better healing future as a family as individuals. I keep wanting to put people and events behind me. I’m ready for the change, for the good, and the fight does get so very weary. I can see the end…I think. It’s hard to not see that light at the end of another long dark tunnel and expect it to just be another oncoming train instead. The last year has been the hardest year yet and the weeks that came after my trip literally felt like the peak of that hardness from the phone calls, to meetings, to the long drives to their court hearings. I may have been shaking, I may have been sick to my stomach, I may have had to stop and sit and just breath, my voice may have been shaky, but I spoke my truth and I put the shame and pain where it belonged, squarely on the abusers shoulders. I will be strong for me. I will be a voice for myself and all those who are not yet strong enough to have found their voice. I will fight through the nightmares at night. I will fight through waking up from those nightmares and freaking out that a man is in my bed even though it is my husband who is the one trust worthy man I have ever known. I will fight through waking up in my closet and not remembering how I got there. I will fall apart when I need too and be strong for the kids in my house watching how I am handling these battles. I will fight because that is who I am. I will fight because I love myself. I will fight because I am a survivor. I will fight because I am not ashamed. Because I am proud of myself. And what that man did bruised me, shattered me and the lives around me, left deep searing red scars upon me for life, but I will not be defined by it. I can choose how it affects me from here on out. I can choose the outcome now. And that is what the fight is for. I will fight because I am no longer a victim I am a victor.
"Do not be afraid of your truth anymore. And do not omit pieces of it for anyone else's comfort."