Until I Tower Over it The Victor

3.19.2015 -

I grew up dominated by fear. With fear. I was taught to fear. Fear everything. Fear was eaten and inhaled around me. Fear of other people. Fear of myself. Fear of the world. Fear of things. Fear of events. Fear of past. Fear of the future. Fear of the present. Fear of adults. Fear of sin. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of doing the right thing. Fear of doing the wrong thing. Fear of man. Fear of woman. Fear of God. Fear of the devil. I didn't know what it was not to fear. I didn't know fearless was even a thing. Fear was a state of being I was always in and I would have never known how to get out looking back on it. No peace. No hope. No light. Doing whatever it took to survive the life I was in.

Fearless would seem like one of those words you would say that never got taken into action. Something someone would throw out purposefully or put into a quote or say they were going to be but it is to never really actually achieved. It's like this big impossible scary word hanging overhead you are supposed to somehow get up too. 

I don't believe that about the word fearless anymore... 

And I know what changed it. I know what started me breathing again slowly. The day I realized that fear is a state of being and mind that I can actually take control of. I can not control feeling fear but I can control what I do when the fear comes. I do not believe that fear is put here to control us. I do not believe that love casts out fear. I do not believe that we were made to fear ourselves. To fear our hearts. I know I was taught wrong. Fear is the thing that makes your heart pound and your palms go sweaty. But courage to move one foot in front of the other towards that fear has been the only thing to begin helping me break the walls of fear the once dominated my life down. 

The moment I took the tiny step towards healing. The moments I finally started questioning and finding for myself. The moment I asked for help. The moments I went to therapy. The moments I sat down with others and relived the stories I tried for so many years to bury. The moments I took of my blinders. The moments I started facing the demons. The moments I stood up and faced the truth. The moments I started to speak the truth through trembling lips and with shaking hands. The moments those trembling lips began to steady and my eyes no longer darted away in pain and shame. The moments I sat in the dark barely able to breath from the pain in chest and the tears staining my face but I "went there" and faced the pain I was feeling anyways. The moment I was willing to stand in court and face down the ones who once completely controlled my bright eyed smiling face hiding the abuse behind the 'it looks appealing and good' golden cage I lived in. The moment I decided to start loving myself. The moment I opened my heart to try to start again with Sam. 

These are the moments I learned what fearless meant. Fearless doesn't mean to not fear. Fearless to me means having the courage to take that step whatever size it is despite the emotions you may feel. Fearless means you have fear but it does not control you. Fearless means you are willing to be openminded and to face down the darkest and scariest too. 

So I fear less. When those fears come I will face them down and take a step even if it's an 1/8th of inch. I will let the fear come and while it's punching me and knocking me down I will keep getting up even if it's long and slow and punching right back until it lands on the mat and I tower over it, my hands raised, my body beaten, my cheeks stained with tears, and my lips smiling; the victor. 

Fearless Sweatshirt & Warrior Key Necklace: The Giving Keys

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