I was raged because of the unjustness of others. I was raged because I wanted to storm in and seriously lay into some people. I was raged because I was letting these people get to me. I was raged that I had to fight yet another target on our back. I was raged by religion. I was raged by damage. I was raged I couldn't seem to get control of how I was letting certain things affect me. I was raged at the pain this was making me face I would rather numb sometimes.
And I realized as I was sitting there in that it was all stemming from raw fear; the things I am afraid of. The ugly. So thus I was feeling alone, lost and hopeless. Because if I can't face the struggles and arrows that get shot my way I will never be able to face and accept the good and the beauty that comes my way.
I am afraid of hatred so I have a hard time seeing love. I am afraid of abandonment so I struggle to see loyalty. I am afraid of being told I am not good enough, am not worthy so I do not see that I am. I am afraid of being strung out, exhausted, and only wanted when I am giving what they want or need to them and then feeling in the moments I break down or need space....I am left lost and alone. But it is the vulnerability of facing those things I know is where life truly starts.
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” -Brene Brown
If I want the good, the joy, the pleasure, the life, the freedom....then I have to except the pain, the sorrow, the disdain from others, the moments my heart feels like it will stop beating from the torture.
“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” -Brené BrownSo even though it hurts like hell when it happens..."Bring it on!" I haven't let anything or anyone in my hellish past be the death of me and I am not about to let it start now. I may be a slow fighter and I may get knocked down right now more than I am dealing out punches but that doesn't mean I am not fighting.
So when I need to I am going to sit down and face those painful emotions behind closed bathroom doors screaming into a towel with rage and hurt. I will wade through my vulnerabilities to find out just how powerful I am. And when I do find my power...there will be no stopping me.