This year I started a couple of monthly subscriptions for the fun of getting packages and surprises to myself dropped off at my doorstep every month. I mean who doesn't love a surprise and "good" mail for a change. It's only two months in and I'm already hooked. One package I received sat begging to be opened on my desk for two days because I wanted to make sure I had the time to dig through and enjoy it when I did open it.
My coffee shop owner friend told me about Ipsy and when I finally went to look into it I got curious and exciting about the $10.00 a month subscription and decided to try it out. I love the fact they find out your style and what you like and then customize what they send to you accordingly instead of everyone getting the same things every month. The lipgloss was the only thing I did not like in this month's package. Just because it's lipgloss...and I despise lipgloss. So that little beauty is going in my lil' gifts-and-surprise-mail-for-others box.
Otherwise I'm impressed. Good brands. Good sizes. And it's a fun treat to have mailed to yourself.
You guys should totally go give it a try! - Ipsy.com
Nothing makes me happier than going into a shoot with someone who is feeling down with life, struggling with circumstances, not feeling all that great and then getting them to feel like a million bucks again and empower them in front of my camera though my camera! It's my little slice of gold to put out into the world. Being behind my camera and bringing out the raw and real inside people, bringing out their lives and stories, creating stories together; it fills me up!
I laced up the laces of my bright worn running shoes that had seen my pounding feet through hundreds of miles. I thought about how I hoped I would get new shoes for my birthday and if I didn't I opened a new tab in my brain (that was the last thing I needed was another open browser) to put in my budget to get me a new pair before my next half marathon. I sat on the concrete to stretch and continue to convince my mind I had to run. I had to stay on my training schedule true but that wasn’t the only reason. I needed my dose of medication for the day. I had put it off until it was now 4 pm and I had exactly one hour before my time would be taken up for the rest of the evening. My mind was trying to overpower the itch my body had to run. My mind was tired, whining at me. I had spent all morning hashing out the future on paper, pros and cons, looking up options for which direction I wanted to go on this fork in the road I have come too in life, and I had starting some online classes that had my brain swirling with thoughts, ideas and 'itches'. But my body was telling me to run out the emotions pent up in my shoulders and back. To run away the voices, the noise, the chaos, to focus and quiet my mind. To run out the demons and once again sort through the mess in my head and heart.
My feet pounded out the pavement to the blaring playlist in my earbuds, finding my rhythm and pace as I got further and further away from the comfort of my home I could hide in the shadows of if I wanted. I was running streets and through neighborhoods I usually don't run in and my eyes started noticing things. The dirty streets. The consistency of thrown out cigarette butts, too many to count. There were lost shoes and gloves, littered trash thrown thoughtlessly out of windows and even a flattened metal spoon. Empty beer cans mixed in with the leaves and grime and then the liquor bottles, empty glass bouncing off the afternoon sunrays.
Stories. Things that were once in peoples hands. Behind every cigarette butt something that spurred the need to cope, to deal with something. Pain. Stories. Behind the lost worn out shoe that someone once wore. Wonder what horrors and what joys they have walked and faced. If they are thriving or just breathing. If they are full or empty. The empty cans and bottles. Who’s lips the liquid fire passed between to drown out whatever it was inside them that was eating away, that hurt that was killing them, or the guilt, or the shame, or whatever it was they couldn’t face. What sadness or pain did they endure. What bad or good are they giving to this world. What was it, who was it, that made them the person they had become. What life have they known. Have they ever only known this small town of people living in boxes and molds. What are their dreams, their fears, their hopes, their nightmares. Stories. Beauty and hell.
I think everyone medicates. Everyone has some way of dealing with pain, sorrow, anger. Everyone. And those who go into the church building doors medicate as much as those who can’t even step foot inside the church doors. And there is no difference in the worshipping servant of religion and the worshipping servant of anything else. But it is easier for me to empathize with those who know they are hurting and in pain and don't hide their medication of choice than those who hide their medicating in the shadows even sometimes from themselves. Those who stay blinded. God however I have been able to make it to where I am today…I am thankful. Sometimes I wonder how. I do. I am thankful to have been split wide open and broken. To be going through the pain of psychological surgery. I can not even imagine being back in that horrifying place where I was so blinded and brainwashed I could never have seen the stories on the streets. Where I couldn’t even see my own stories. Where I couldn’t breath for myself or think for myself. Where I walked through the church doors nearly every day of my life for years and years and thought I was safe and better than and had been taught how to have appear at least to have it all together. That the evil that happened all around me in “god’s house” was okay, somehow, okay…I mean it must be, right? This stuff happened in other girls homes too right? My parents are my authority, my go between between God and myself so everything they did or said had to be right somehow. Because somehow we believed everyone there was better than the other humans in the world. That somehow we were different because "we had Jesus". When really everyone was just hiding their pain and ugly humanness behind religion and masks and false pretenses. That was what I knew.
So I…I run. I run until the pain, or lies, or stress and emotions of the day, of my life, of my stories has poured out of my body with the sweat. I run until I can no longer hear the voices of my mother telling me I am a bitch or a drama queen or a lier, or my father whispering in the dark, you are my special daughter and this is our secret I can't have with anyone else or God has put me here to help you grow up in "this way”. I run from the voices saying stop because you aren’t good enough. Give up on yourself you can’t do anything right. You are worthless. I run.
And I damn them to hell. I run for myself. To prove to myself. To fight for myself. To love myself.
Because my stories are mine to tell, to share or not to share, to be vulnerable with, to heal through. And I don’t want my stories to end with: she gave up. Because now, deep down under the shit and lies, I believe I am worth it. The opposite of what I was even taught, told and shown is that I am valuable. And that is something that I have learned on my own. From my pain and my stories. No one implanted that in my neurological pathways. That is something I have found on my own. I have taken back my own power.
And so...I run.
So I worked hard to get a handle on my emotional and mental health yesterday. By lunch I was feeling in a better mindset and had some things I had thought through that had just finally clicked; some ah ha moments. I felt hopefully. Ready to maybe try and stand up again from the last few weeks.
And then I come home from school and there was a bomb waiting for me to arrive and drop on my head. After the bomb dropped and a couple hours went by I felt proud. I had handled it somewhat calmly and cooly and was not wallowed in fear and panic and worry in my room biting my nails and looking for ways to busy myself to cope away reality. I stayed somewhat focused on continuing life through the rest of the evening and still be a mom for the kids and not let another unknown circumstance control my emotions and peace. It felt good. I felt proud. Then after the boys went to bed and the house had calmed down and I was starting to think about crawling in my bed, letting the comfort swallow me up and passing out for the next 9 hours we had another bomb drop and this one hurt more. My heart physically ached at this one. I felt frustrated and sad. Frustrated that every time I feel like I’m getting in a good place again immediately that is tested. No pause. No recovery. Immediately tested. Sad because I felt my hope being tested and this bomb poked at my loneliness I fight and the desperation I have to get out of Duncan. I immediately was fighting thoughts of feeling defeated. Feelings like I was sitting in a glass box watching someones life spin around me while they laughed and mocked me sitting like a shattered spectacle inside. And I felt tired again. Tired and sad. I couldn’t be angry, I couldn’t talk through anything, my brain kind of shut down. So I told myself gently, “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. But tomorrow is a new day; you can try and begin in well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with then current shitty nonsense.” I crawled in between my sheets and giant fluffy blankets encapsulating me with warmth and hugs, plugged one ear with an earbud and zoned out to the noise and movement of a show on netflix, fighting the want to shut the whole world and everyone in it out, telling myself; It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. You are not alone. Change will continue to come and in all this shit there will be good change too. Just hang on for this crazy life ride. Circumstances will not steal your hope, Leslie. You will not let it. Look at the beauty beside you, the people next to you right now.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will keep fighting for, loving, nurturing myself. Tomorrow I will try again. I will keep trying.
I am practicing my emotional hygiene this morning. Psychologically I have dozens of cuts from the last few weeks and this last weekend and instead of taking a knife and cutting them deeper I am practicing stitching and bandaging them up. Instead of going boxing this morning, like I almost did, and working on my physical health some more and beating some shit and tears out, I took my laptop, some ted talks, hot coffee and a quiet corner at a coffee shop to switch, work on my psychological health and write.
The therapist reminded me yesterday of something I already knew but had let my mindset take over and slip me into a bad place instead. No one can put me in a awful place, in a negative mindset, in a box but myself. People can reject me, make me feel alone, say and do hurtful things but my mind is the one that chooses what to do with it. The thoughts and actions are implanted by others but I can either heal those wounds or cut them deeper. If someone walks away from me I can either cut myself down more, let the negative thoughts and reasonings as to why they would do that or I can reject the notion that because someone walks away from me I am not good enough, I did something wrong or I am a failure. If someone questions my authentic actions, words or love, I can let those thoughts and lies creep in I have been told that they are telling me I am "dramatic" or that I am a "manipulative selfish bitch" or I can take it as a sign I am on the right path to loving myself, being confident with my words and truth, and that I am on the right path to being vulnerable and letting my walls down. I am in charge of my own psychological health and well being. Just as equally as I am in charge of brushing my teeth, feeding my body and bathing.
I had been hurting all week the games and manipulation that had been played around me again, the place I felt I was being viewed in again. Being put in a fighting ring with someone again I wanted to stay distanced from without my consent. Being the bad one again, the scape goat like I used to always be in my family. Feeling the pain of people I truly wanted so badly to be there not being able to empathize or understanding. Feeling alone again. And alone is a dangerous place for me to go. Loneliness creates fear in me, a psychological wound in my mind that makes me less perceptive to truth and to my own power and instead feel like the people right beside me care less about me than they actually do. And I see the proof in that in this last week shit hit the fan with Sam and I. I have felt like he hasn’t understood me, hasn’t wanted to care or empathize, everything he has done or said has been a knife in my heart. There were misunderstandings flying left and right between us. We both were dealing with our own individual emmotional and mental pain and hurt and we were not dealing with that and letting that even more so greatly affect the connection between us as a couple. Words were flying and stabbing like knives into hearts. Yesterday we both felt physically sick. My mental health was affecting my physical health. I felt nauseous and achy. I felt physically exhausted like I had just ran for 5 hours straight. It took every ounce of my being to get up, get the kids taken care of and off to school, get dressed and get out of the house for my busy day. Sam had to call in to work and take a day because he was feeling the same way. You can not tell me that our psychological health should not be equal with our physical health. A huge misconception. A flat out lie to ourselves and others.
So today. Steps.
"Get out of bed. Don't lie there and think - thinking is the kiss of death for us in these moments - just move. Take a shower. Sing while you are in there. Make yourself sing. Sing stupid and laugh at yourself. Joy for its own sake - joy just for you, created by you - it's the best. Find yourself amusing. Put on some makeup and fix your hair. Wear something that makes you feel good, for yourself not for anyone else and if you don't have something like that go buy yourself something that will make you feel that way. Show yourself you love yourself no matter how hard that is. Get yourself a hood cup or coffee or tea and read a book without thinking about other things while you are reading. Get out of the house, if you have nowhere to go take a walk or sit at a coffee shop. Do not excuse yourself from a walk because it's too cold. Bundle up. The big endless sky and oxygen will help."
- excerpt from Carry On Warrior
And here is a Ted Talk from my morning that could be the best video you could watch all week: The Importance of Self-Care
"Why is it our physical health is so much more important to us than our psychological health. We sustain more psychological injuries than we do physical ones. Things like failure, or rejection or loneliness. If ignored they will get worse and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways. "Oh your feeling depressed just shake it off it's all in your head." Can you imagine saying that to someone with a broken leg. "Oh just walk it off it's all in your leg." It is time we close the gap in our physical and physiological health. It's time to make them more equal."
Cheers to the struggles, the joys, the growth, the ups and the downs and the in-betweens of this last year. To all we accomplished as individuals, as a couple, as a family. To all the growth and all the healing and all the learning. To the times we almost gave up and to the other times we thrived. To the dreams we have dreamed and are still dreaming. To the goals we reached and are still reaching. To the fight, to the conquering. To the life we were given and lived and fight to thrive in. To change and more change and continued change. And to a whole other year to come full of more of it all. To a whole other year of uncertainty but yet certain change and growth.
It's been years since I have stopped "believing" personally in all of this "new year = new you" making new year resolutions and goals...thing. If we want change we should, we can, make change any day of the year. If we want a clean slate, a fresh start, more than the ruts one can find themselves living in why would you wait for the end of a year and a new year to start.
For me: new year = new adventures. A new chapter, yes. But the last thing I want is to only make goals and dream dreams and strive for more and seek out change just one time out of a year. I've glimpsed and tasted what living life alive is like enough to never want to just live just to breath now. More than to try for something once and it not last and then wait until the end of the year to try for something else again...
"For what it's worth: it's never to late to be whoever you want to be. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
"I want to grow with you, to see how much we can thrive together.
I want to help you fight for your dreams, and see them come to life.
I want to be there for you, when it all seems too much, I want to be the voice that reminds you of hope.
I want to make you smile and laugh, to experience joy every day.
I want to be real with you, to open myself and lay down my armor.
I want quiet nights, filled with sweet nothings.
I want days filled with you, and I want to continue seeing you, in your weakest or in your strongest, I want to be there with you."
The last two months have been full of questions and hours of sitting in bed talking to myself, to the walls, to the ceiling, to Sam into the late night hours. Of a few more nights of restless sleep and confusion. The impossibleness of the unknowns and the anger that has slowly begun to creep back into my being and cripple my fight and joy over the last few weeks. It’s been almost a year and half now since Natalie and Jared came to live with us. We have been on this path with them because we have believed in it. Because we have had the energy and ability to be there. We believe in their healing. In having a safe place to be, to begin to fall apart and rebuild. The last two months have been break throughs for them in their healing. They have changed more in the last few weeks then they have the entire time they have been with us. Their walls are down and they have reached an entirely other layer of healing and knowing themselves. They are in a freer place, being more like teenagers than afraid little kids. They are questioning and searching and responding to life more. They are learning they feel and that is a good thing but now what do they do with what they feel. Their triggers are flaring up more and their emotions and attitudes are unmasked. It is a good thing that has happened that makes my heart soar with relief and hope. But it has made me realize that they are now in a place where I am not sure I can be and give what they need now. I have found myself starting to grind down into the ground and beginning to change as a person in ways I do not want to change and that are not healthy for me. I have begun to notice Sam and I’s relationship and the way we live changing in ways I am not okay with. We have become more exhausted of late and realizing how much more emotional and mental energy we have begun to put towards Natalie and Jared and less towards the things we were before. The balance of life that we want has gotten way of of whack.
So here we sit these up in to the late night hours these nights refocusing. Taking off any burdens of responsibility or guilt and asking ourselves the tough questions. Looking at our future again and what we want, how we want it, and what our expectations are. Refocusing on goals and planning instead of flying by the seat of our pants according to what happens and needs to happen with Natalie and Jared. Repeating to ourselves what the therapist keeps telling us. We have done what we have been capable of doing. And that is enough. In a few years from now we have had to make sure we don’t look back in anger from here on out now. For the last year and a half we have carried the baton of love, safety and acceptance and been able to do so with strength and the desire to do so. Now that they might be needing more than we want to give someone else with the want and heart for this next chapter of their lives may need to step in and take that baton over.
We do not know what this next new year holds. There are going to be doors coming up that will finally be closing that will be very good and very healing. But I know those doors closing are going to bring me to new rooms of healing that I have not faced or been able to face yet. Our desire to move is growing increasingly and overwhelmingly strong and I know will grow even more stronger after some doors coming up do close. And our dreams and goals in life we have and want for us as a family and as individuals is becoming more undeniable. Sam and I were looking back over this last year last night and we were wide eyed at all that has happened, all the change we have gone through once again, and all we have done in just a year. Every year the last 4 years has seemed to increasingly somehow outdo the year before.
Yup, life doesn’t look like a perfect gingerbread village all decked out in vibrancy and yumminess it looks like a beautiful hellish mess. You build, you make, you live, you decorate; some falls off, some breaks, some gets eaten up, some gets destroyed. But we have learned we wouldn’t want it any other way. Out of the dirt grows every beautiful thing. We are so much more incredibly stronger people from this last year and half. Sam and I have come to know ourselves deeper, more of who we are as individuals, more of what we want out of life, family, marriage and most definitely how to deal with people better and other's personal trauma.
I’ve been listening to this song on repeat a lot lately. I have declared it my song for this next new year. To sum up the questioning of this recent new time...
My head, my head is full of things that I should've done
My heart, my heart is heavy, and it sinks like a stone
She said, "Is this the life you've been dreaming of
Spending half the day away from the things you love?
It's not too late to do something new."
She said, "It's hard enough trying to live your life.
But not following your dreams made you dead inside.
If you don't love what you do."
It's not right, it's not right for you
If you even have to think about it
It's not right, it's not right for you
If you really have to think about it
You got one life to love what you do
My hands, my hands are scarred by things I shouldn't have done
My feet, my feet are weary from all the miles that I've run
She said, "Open your mind, take a look within.
Are you happy with the world that you're living in?
If not, you gotta change what you do."
She said, "And lately I don't see you smiling lot.
Are you happy here with me and the things we've got?
If you can't say that it's true."
It's not right, it's not right for you
If you even have to think about it
It's not right, it's not right for you
If you really have to think about it
You got one life to love what you do
If we don't do something now then we'll never know
If we stay here too long then we'll, we'll never grow old
So, before it's too late and it's killing you, yeah
We've only one life to live. So love what you do
It's not right, it's not right for you
If you even have to think about it
It's not right, it's not right for you
If you really have to think about it
You got one life to love what you do
In the end, in the end
Better hold 'cause you're take it all in
In the end, in the end
You got one life to love what you do
In the end, in the end
Better hold 'cause you're take it all in
In the end, in the end
You got one life to love what you do
